One Word Will Bring Men Back to Church

The answer: Bacon.

The question: What one thing will bring men back to the Church?

Earlier today my mind somehow drifted to the question of how churches can attract men and as quick as the question popped into my mind the answer was clear, BACON. How have we missed this obvious and simple addition? With the wave of "seeker sensitive" churches out there looking to cater to the needs of those not attending, how have we overlooked the greatest need and desire of men? The awesomeness of bacon is not in dispute by any man, nor is the desperate need and desire for bacon; so why has the church only thus far appealed to one "B" of the great manly duo of "Beards and Bacon"? We've made the bearded feel comfortable, but bacon lovers are forced to oppress their urges and express their love elsewhere. We must fully complete the outreach and bring the final "B" into the equation. If I was a church growth specialist and a church contacted me for services, this is how the conversation might go:

(let's use the generic name of "Amazing Life Church")
(Thanks to Peggy Egan, Luke Wayne, and others whose comments helped me develop some of these ideas )

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Amazing Life Church Pastor: So, Kyle, what ideas do you have for bringing more men to Amazing Life Church?

Kyle: Bacon.

Amazing Life Church Pastor: Okay, that's a great start...do you have any other ideas?

Kyle: ....ummm...Bacon?

Amazing Life Church Pastor: And just how would we use bacon to attract more men?

Kyle: I am glad you asked! If you want to attract more men to this church and also better motivate the current men in the church, I recommend a 3-Step Program to integrate bacon into the DNA of Amazing Life Church.

Amazing Life Church Pastor: Okay, walk me through the steps.

STEP #1: The Physical Presence of Bacon

Kyle: Alongside of the coffee you already offer in the lobby you must place large trays of bacon. It's important that the trays be heaping. I want giant heaping stacks of bacon. The only thing worse than NOT having bacon is having the appearance that the bacon will be running out. You must permanently place someone at the bacon tray to pleasantly offer a few strips of bacon. If you do not have someone manning this station, it will be a bacon free for all, and no one wants that. Also, this person provides another mental comfort to men; telling them that there is someone official who will notice if the bacon is getting low. There is another reason a bacon attendant is needed, but I will get into that on Step #3.

Next, you should place large fans behind the bacon station blowing the smell of bacon throughout the lobby of the church. This is important for two reasons: 1) You don't want a single male visitor to be unaware of the presence of bacon 2) When someone opens the door of the church, bacon smell will waft into the streets drawing random passerby's.

STEP #2: Translate "Bacon" into Scripture for Relevant Application

Kyle: Let's be honest, some of the Scriptures are just plain hard to relate to. Who can understand all those Israelite terms? What's a cubit or a talent? In order to better reach out to the modern man, you should fit "Bacon" into as many Scriptures as makes sense. Here's three short examples:
- I'm not sure that "You are the salt of the Earth" speaks to this generation.  Perhaps it should be "You are the bacon of the Earth"

- One small change to the Lord's prayer might increase its popularity - "Give us this day, our daily bacon"

- We might see more changed lives if we translate the "Parable of the Talents" into "Parable of the Bacon". Every man knows that even one strip of bacon is valuable!

Amazing Life Church Pastor: You mean like if I was preaching on the Israelites in the desert and was talking about manna, then I could substitute bacon for manna?
Kyle: No. Men wouldn't understand it. Why would anyone grumble about getting bacon everyday?...Hmmm...perhaps if you said it was turkey bacon.
Amazing Life Church Pastor: What if instead of greeting each other with a holy kiss, we asked people to greet each other with a strip of bacon?

Kyle: Now you are getting it!

STEP #3: Offer MORE Bacon as Incentive

Kyle: The only thing more motivating than bacon is the potential of more bacon. Bacon will get most men through the door, but extra portions of bacon will truly bring transformation. Since there is a bacon attendant in the lobby, they can ensure that everyone present only gets the right amounts. In order to create great incentives I would then structure the following offers:

Bacon Portions
First-time Visitors: Unlimited Portions
Basic Attender: One Portion of Bacon
Member: One and a Half Portions of Bacon
Baptized Member: Two Portions of Bacon
Special Status: Three Portions of Bacon

Special status can be attained depending on the special offer each week at the church. Imagine the following scenario being announced at the end of church, ""A word to our Amazing Life Church members; if you bring a visitor next week you get special status and are allowed a triple portion of bacon". What about this, "If you come down to the altar to be prayed for, you will receive special status and three portions of bacon next week"? It's so simple.

Amazing Life Church Pastor: You are hired Kyle! I don't know why we haven't thought about this before! All these ideas are GOLD!. PURE GOLD!

Kyle: No Pastor, they are BACON! PURE BACON!

Amazing Life Church Pastor: Right! Bacon. Pure Bacon. (we both wink at each other with supreme satisfaction)

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What do you think? Got any other ideas for how bacon can be incorporated into church? Is there anything better than bacon to bring men back into the church?